Pointless Ponders...Or Not?

The Tides of Life

2006-04-23T00:33:00.000-07:00

Ever been to the ocean and watch the tides come in and go out and come back in again? I have, many times. And I love it. It's incredible to me that something so vast and huge could be so perfect and timed like clockwork. And it's all breathtakingly beautiful at the same time. :)

Now, I don't know how breathtakingly beautiful my life is right now (hehe! :p), but the rest seems to fit perfectly. Between college, homework, my new job (I'm working about 15 hours a week now, sometimes more!), family, chores, and friends, everything seems to come and go like the tides. Except lately, there seems to be a LOT more coming than going. Ug. But it's been good.. Pretty stressful, but good. :)

God has been showing me a lot lately by comparing my life to the ocean- For one, my life seems so vast and huge right now that it's impossible for me to control it. And what happens when I try? Haha, whaddya expect? It's impossible!! It ends up controling me, and my energy ends up shipwrecked on some island loaded with self-esteem eating canibals. I get beaten and torn, and I can't go on.

But what happens when I give it all to God? Well, He CREATED the ocean, right? He's the one that set up the natural laws for it to follow and created boundries in which the ocean is allowed to exist. And even though the ocean isn't by any means tame, He still has control, and everything works out. It's the same thing with my life: When I give the ocean of my life, stress, worries, troubles, fears, joys, and everything else, over to God, He *DOES* have control. Even though I might feel like everything is being tossed and turned for the time being, He's set up the rules and boundries for my life, and He knows where He wants it to go. He causes everything to work together "for the good of those who love Him, those who are called according to His purpose." :)

So, even though life is crazy and stressful and this 18 year old working college student doesn't have time to blog as faithfully as she used to, at least she can rest easy in the faith and knowledge that her God is doing something amazing with her part of the ocean and that, hopefull, in turn, she will be able to make an impact on other parts of the ocean flowing around her. "Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven..." :D

May God love you, bless you, and keep you in His gentle (yet powerful) hands! :)

In Him,

<>< Christi <><

Changes

2005-12-27T04:15:00.000-08:00

Ok, so basicly my life over the past month: Finished my first quarter at Skagit with As and Bs, my dad lost his job and is currently unemployed, I am beginning what is looking like an endless job search, I rarely ever update this thing anymore because I switched to MySpace (though I'm going to start updating this one again with more serious stuff because I love it too much), God is awesome, I am nothing, and Love is everything. Now if only I could *find* it.. :/ Hehehe!

Well hey, it's 4:20am right now so I think I'm going to go to bed. But first, a question: How can I make my Blog better/cooler? I'm trying to change it, but I know CSS better than HTML and I'm having a HECK of a time trying to figure this out! Grrr, why can't websites all just speak ONE language?!? :p Anyway, if you have any help or advice to offer, I and my Sanity would thank you greatly! ;)

God Bless and Much Love,

<>< Christi <><

~Blogger-Girl First & Forever~

2005-10-03T14:57:00.000-07:00

Hey ya'll! =D

I just thought I'd make a random post to let ya know I'm not dead. ;) Hehe! Life has been crazy since I started taking college classes through a state program called Running Start. I'm taking 15 credits and mostly enjoying it so far! Today was the start of Week 3 though, so I've got a ways to go. I haven't even had my first test yet!!! :o

So, as in my life in general? Well, I'm making it (some days better than others.. :/ haha!). Tension has been growing between my sister and I lately. I actually came close to screaming my head off and then biting off hers!!! >:O We've *never* been like this before.. :( Not cool. But my parents and I are doing great for the most part. :) It's a bit tough at times because I'm finally starting to gain a decent amount of independance, and they still expect me to be their perfect little baby girl. *sigh* But hey, ya win some, ya loose some, and others...? Well, it'll be a few more years before I cross that finish line. :p

God's been awesome though, as usual. B) I don't know what I'd do without Him having my back all the time! It's tough living in a non-Christian environment after spending the last 18 years in my perfect Christian home (not saying my family is perfect, mind you!! 8P Haha!!). But I've got a GREAT group of friends, so izssaall graaaavy baaaby! =D

Ok, so maybe it's lumpy gravy. But it's still gravy! ~;)~:p~;)~ Hehehe!!!

Anyway.. So I was originally writing this for my Xanga, but I think I'll post it on Blogger and MySpace too. This is just too random for just one of the above! :D So, with that said, I love you all, God bless, and (hopefully) I'll see you around! :) *huggles*

Much love and mashed potatos,

<>< Christi <><

Broken Dreams and Shattered Realities

2005-08-27T22:17:00.000-07:00

Wow. Have you ever been SO close to something and you just couldn’t get it? I mean, it’s *so* close that you can feel it; the scent is tickling your nostrils, the excitement wells up like a hurricane inside. But it teases you while keeping its distance enough to run up and flaunt it in your face and then run away, before you can catch it, with a maniacal laughter that is purely gut-wrenching. Have you ever felt that?

Now, take that same scenario and make the evasive feeling something you *REALLY* want. Something that you whole-heartedly desire. Something that’s only in your dreams. Have you ever felt that?

I guess dancing in a moonlit glade on mossy grass by a babbling brook is only a dream. I fear twirling gracefully in a pure white gown to a soft, yet exciting, ditty is nothing but un-earthly magic. I suppose having a merry time with faeries and nymphs and dryads while skipping around in circles in our bare feet is impossible. I must then assume, I’m afraid, that dreams are only meant to be dreams, and nothing more.

No, I can’t say that. I still live by pixie dust and wishing on falling stars. I still trust in that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and in the castle waiting for me on the horizon. I still know deep in my heart that my Prince will come rescue me from the dragon and carry me away on his valiant steed. I still believe in faeries and magic, and I know that in Neverland I will never grow old, and I remember how to get there now too! I still know that somewhere over the rainbow is a land that I heard of once in a lullaby, and that my Fairy Godmother will save the day. Dreams still come true. They *have* to.

But if they do, how come I’m sitting in that moonlit glade right now? Why is there a stream running a few feet away, and mossy grass beneath my flip-flop covered feet? Why are the birds and the crickets and the bees playing a tune just for me to dance to in my jeans and t-shirt? Why do the stars in the sky shed *just* enough light to set the mood and the fresh forest scent lets out *just* enough smell to entice all who notice to start a dream? Why does there have to be a cougar warning out so that I can’t go off alone because I know Prince Charming can’t come rescue me?...

Sometimes life just isn’t fair. This would be one of those times. But I guess, as they say: “For everything else, there’s Walgreens.”

What Would Jesus Do?

2005-07-15T01:25:00.000-07:00

"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses it's saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.

You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden.
Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on it's stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.
In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."
-Matt. 5:13-16-

So, you're hanging with your friends, talking, laughing, and having a jolly 'ol time, when all the sudden, someone says something. Something that isn't really the most "appropriate", but still kind of funny. Everyone laughs, right? And then the jokes continue on: More and more colorful and inappropriate. What do you do? As a good Christian kid, you know you should back out.
But as a friend of everyone else, you don't want to miss out and this may even bring you to be more accepted with the group. I mean, how much can a few jokes hurt?

But then an old friend walks in. Someone you haven't seen since 6th grade Sunday School.
You don't notice them, but they sure notice you! The laughter and hyper voices reach all the way across the room, and they hear every word you and your friends are saying.
You turn around just in time to see them shake their head, wondering what caused you to change from the good kid you were before to this. And you realize that you just crossed the lines of being a witness, to compromising your God and your faith. Ouch.

Something similar just happened to me. I've always been considered the "good kid". I was homeschooled, my few days out of the house in a week consisted of Awana, church, and Wed. night Sunday School, and living my life for God was my one biggest desire and dream.

But over time, hanging out with other people and kind of loosing that passion, in a way, to be the perfect christian kid has caused me to slide. Now, I'm no where near as bad as I could be, but I've started compromising things that I never would have DREAMED of 5 years ago! To gain friends, to feel accepted, to attempt being "normal", to loose my "goody two-shoes" homeschooler image, the excuses go on and on. But valid reasons backing up my current decisions are scarce.

Why is it so hard to stand up for what I believe in? Why do I find myself having to make the constant decision of either going with the flow, as bad as it may be, or swimming upstream? Why do I struggle with this at all? Why is it an issue even when I'm with my christian friends??

John 17 talks about being in the world but not *of* it. But how do we know how far we can go? We need to be an example of what Jesus Christ is to the people around us, but how can we accomplish that if we only do "christian" things? If you do, people look at you like you're stuck up and too good and perfect for them. Instead of us conveying God's love and perfection, so often they see us going "I am Christian, HEAR ME ROAR!" Know what I mean?? But if we hang with the world and laugh at their jokes and just go along with it, we compromise that which shouldn't be compromised: Jesus Christ Himself.

I don't know what to think or do. My first committment is to Him, but how do I accomplish that? How do I determine what's right and wrong?
I'm totally lost and confused. I wish there was someone I could talk to right now..

But anyway, if you have any advice or something you think would help, *please* let me know! This is a pretty new issue for me, and I don't know how to deal with it. If you can, please help!!
If not, I want to apologise for anything I might have ever said or done that did not show God's love and awesome perfection to you through my words and actions. I really, *really* want to be someone that people can look up to as an example, but I'm WAY too messed up and wack for that.
I'm sorry for anything that might have pointed you away from God because of me...

Anyway, it's 1am. I should get some sleep. Sorry for all this rambling and stuff.. I just had to unload somewhere....

<>< Christi <><

"My country tis of thee,.."

2005-07-04T15:30:00.000-07:00

"Sweet land of liberty, to thee I sing! Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgram's pride, from every mountainside let freedom ring!"

As I stood on a rock in my backyard last night, my eyes glued to the bright lights of the local fireworks, everything seemed right. My dad, who was standing next to me, put his arm around my shoulder and gave me a hug as we cherished the moment together. All of our guests were standing around watching with us, but they all seemed to fade away as I sunk deep into thought.

My mind drifted back to about a month ago when my family and I were vacationing on the east coast. All the sights and sounds flooded back as my memories became a somewhat current reality. I could see us walking around about a hundred places at once! The White House, the Washington and Lincoln memorials, the Arlington cemetary, the Vietnam wall, the World War II memorial, Boston Harbor, Lexington, Concord, Gettysburg, and so on.

I saw all the stories of individule soldiers from each war come to life: the Revolutionary war, the Civil war, World War I & II, Vietnam, and all the men fighting overseas for us now. Suddenly I was snapped back to real time with the boom of a consussion bomb.. Or was it a cannon? As I looked back up at where the fireworks had been alighting before, I saw something *much* different...

Instead of beautiful bursts of color, I saw guns going off in all directions: In front of me, behind me, on both sides, and even above me. I heard what before had been the screams of delight in the show but where now cries of pain and anguish. There were explosions all around, blood flying through the air, and a heavy cloud of sulfur hanging close to the ground.

The fear was apparent: Men cringed as sparks flew through the air, children ran to their mothers in hope of comfort that was scarce to be given, and animals ran for their lives but were unable to escape the fire which they were surrounded by.

But just when things seemed at their worst, a small shred of hope arose. The smoke lifted just enough for all to look up, and there it was! The most glorious site any man could hope for at such a time: The strong Red, White, and Blue, our Nation's Flag, was still standing erect and looked as bright and glorious as ever! The enemy hadn't gained victory yet, and all were determined that they never would. Then, as the soldiers said a quiet prayer, they all stood and charged the enemy with more firepower than could be concieved, and with a cry, the grand finale flew into the sky with more cheering and color than ever before! I stood there with friends around and my dad holding me close and said my own quiet prayer, thanking God for the victory of my country and all the blessings we had because of those men that gave thier lives.

Thank you, all the soldiers that fought for the UsA, and may God Bless America!

"My father's God to thee, author of Liberty, to thee I sing! Long may our land be bright with freedoms holy light, protect us by thy might Great God our King!"

Life Lessons 101

2005-06-30T23:41:00.000-07:00

Wow, life has been a crazy whirlwind lately!! I went to Yakima with my youth group last week to work with Habitat for Humanty for a week, and it was an AWESOME experience!! I was able to serve God and His children through my hard work (despite my sun-burned, or roasted, legs and arms :p), get to know other kids from my YG a LOT better, hang out with the youth group of the church we were staying at, and have a flame reignited in my heart, mind, and life for my God and His word. I could talk for hours on this, but I have more to cover, so I won't... 0:)

Then, starting this last Monday morning, I worked as a Travel Guide in my church's VBS program. A Travel Guide is a leader that sticks with one age group over the 4 days and works with the individule kids. This year the theme was an Amazon Jungle Adventure, so we learned all about the Amazon and the animals there, made animal/bug/jungle crafts, played topic-related games, and sang fun songs with motions like:

"Pack your Bible, grab your gear, get on-board cuz we're outta here!
Down the river, through the trees, the jungle waits for you and me!
Come along with me to the amazing Amazon!
What things we'll see in the amazing Amazon!
No need to fear in the amazing Amazon!
Jesus is here in the amazing Amazon!"

This year I got to work with the Primary group (K-1st grade completed), and it was amazing to see the love and innocence (or lack thereof in some) that these angels held in their precious little eyes! But I learned a LOT through working with them from how to explain the Gospel to a 7 year old girl to seeing things in their most simple and beautiful nature to actually getting things out of the Bible stories that other adults told the kids over the week! In the way of the stories, one gal told the story of Elijah and how he went to the widow and asked her for water and bread. Now, who knows how many billions of times I've heard that story!

Basic plot line is this: Elijah is in hiding from an evil king, there's a famine in the land so he goes in search of food/water, finds a widow gathering wood and asks her for a drink and some bread, and turns out she only has about a handful of flour and a little bit of oil left. In fact, she just happened to be collecting the last pieces of wood so she could bake up what little flour and oil she had left into bread so she and her son could, as she told Elijah, "..have our last meal and then die.." basically. But he insists on her baking him some bread, so she takes most of what she has left and bakes him the bread. Now, this is where it got interesting..

Whenever I've heard the story in the past, they always tell it that she went back to bake the last few bites of bread for her and her son, and when she reached into the flour jar... Wait! It's FULL!!! Flips the lid on the oil can... It's full too!! In fact they're BOTH overflowing with flour and oil when before she had been basically out. Now that's nice and all, but I *really* like how this lady told it! She said she pictures the widow going back and reaching in and finding a full handful of flour, but not much more. She's totally blown away tho because she *knew* she didn't have more than half a handful there. And same with the oil! There was just enough to make what she needed for that day. :) And every day she came back, there was miraculasly enough flour and oil left over to take care of her, her son's, and Elijah's needs. I really like the sound of that, oddly enough, because instead of being overwhelmed and possibly spoiled by the over-abundance, the three of them were blessed by constantly having *just enough* to supply for our needs! The Bible says His blessings are sufficient, not not wasted. Didn't God tell the Israelites to gather just enough manna to get them through the day and no more? I really like the thought of my God being sufficient to supply my needs. :)

Anyway, enough for tonight. Right now my needs are a good night's sleep after 2 weeks loaded with hard work and short amounts of sleep. :p So sleep well all of you! :) God bless, and may you experience God's devine sufficiency in your life throughout this week!

Much love in Him,

<>< Christi <><

The sky was growing dark...

2005-06-18T22:17:00.000-07:00

The air was thin and cold, and the moon and stars barely shown through the thick cloud cover.

7 year old Grace was lost. *Hopelessly* lost. She and her father had been hiking through the mountains all day and he had warned her to stay close and follow him. But there was this side trail, and she reeeally wanted to know where it would go, so she had decided to try it. After all, how bad could it be?

"Just as long as I make it quick and get back on the main trail, then I can catch back up with daddy!" One turn led to another, which led to another, which led to another, and before she knew it, she was lost.

She wandered around in darkness for hours trying to find the one trail that would lead her back to the campsite. Up this hill, down another. Along a stream, beside a canyon. Scaling some glaciers, falling over snow fields. No matter where she went and how far she walked, she just seemed to be getting herself deeper into trouble.

Finally Grace came to a clearing on a hill. She looked around, anxiously scanning the surrounding forest for any sign of her father or camp. No luck. Grace fell to her knees as tears began to flow from eyes that were previously attempting to hide the fear she felt inside. But as the realization of the truth began to hit her, all attemts failed miserably. She was alone in a dark forest and couldn't find her way home to her father. What was she to do?!?

Just then, she heard a noise: Footsteps! Then she saw something moving slowly toward her: A flashlight! She cried out with all the energy she had left as her father ran up to her and picked her up in his arms and held her tightly."

(Hey guys, I have to get off now because it's getting late and I'm very tired and leaving for a mission trip to Yakima tomorrow! So, if you see this in time, be praying for my youth group as we work with Habitat for Humanity to do whatever work is needed so that we can more effectivly reach those who need Him. It's gunna be an awesome trip, and we'd really appreciate your prayers! God bless you all, and I'll finish it when I get home... and after I learn the answer. :) Have an awesome week!!!)

Updates Galore!

2005-06-08T02:05:00.000-07:00

Hey ya'll! :D I'm back again!!! *hears groans through computer speakers and dodges a digital rotten tomato* Ahhh, good to be home again..? :p Lol!

Anyway, sorry about the last 4 messages; I was kinda sorta trying to update my Blog by phone, and it kept telling me that the message wasn't sending, so I kept sending it. I finally got fed up and gave up. And none too soon I guess! :p

Moving right along, lol... An update. :) I just got home from a 10-day vacation to the East coast with my family (for more info on that, as well as pictures, check out my other blog :D). It was an awesome trip! ;) But even better than going places I've never been, spending "quality" time with my family (:P), and making memories that will last a lifetime, was the fact that I learned a lesson I wish I could have learned YEARS ago.

So I have this HUGE issue with something that shouldn't even BE an issue. It's called "Being Myself". Not a cool thing to not be able to do. You live your life struggling to retain your own identity, yet changing this and that detail here and there over and over again to make other people like you till the point that you're no longer you anymore. Make sense? I hope so. I'm not gunna try to re-write it. It's 1:30am for cryin' out loud! :p

So, the lesson. I got this awesome oppertunity to meet up with a friend while I was other there. He's an old friend, and it's been *forever* since I last saw him, but we had been talking on the phone beforehand about it, and we were both totally pumped! :D But the closer we got to the 28th (the day they were gunna drive down and join us in DC), the more nervous I got. "What if he won't like me? What if he thinks I'm wierd and he never wants to talk to me again cuz I scared him or something? Could this cause me to loose one of my best friends?? :(" Even though we knew each other sooooo well, it was still really scary. I spent the days sweating and the nights tossing and turning, worrying about how it would go. :p How lame was that?

I guess one of the biggest causes of trying to hide who you are is that you aren't comfortable with who you are to begin with. Wow, brilliant, I know. So, after this realization hit me like a bowling ball plowing over a billiard ball, I started thinking. What is it about myself I don't like? What am I not comfortable with or what am I afraid other people are going to see? ..... Hours of thought finally brought me to the conclusion that there really isn't much. :)

So one night before the 28th, I talked to TJ about it. It turned out he said he was kinda nervous about it too. Then it hit me: If we spent the whole time being nervous of what the other thought, then, even though we're good friends, we won't be able to get much farther past "Hi!" and "Bye!". :( I was starting to realize that I needed to change for this to work. WOW!!! WAIT JUST A SEC!!!! Change *just* so a guy doesn't think you're NUTSO?!?!? ... Yes. :)

Now, don't get me wrong. If you haven't caught on already, the change would be to change all the changes. To remove all the fake personality implants. To destroy all doubt and fear that I have about me. God made me with the body and personality I have, so who am I to throw all that away and change it for something as temporary as acceptance?!?!? Nobody. Yet God took me and made me a somebody, and gave that somebody something that no one in this world has to give back to the world. What's that? ... I dunno, you tell me! :p I'm still trying to figure this all out, haha!

Anyway, long story short (or not so short, lol): I decided that I wouldn't let temporary things get in my way, and I was just gunna be myself. That way I wouldn't have to worry about anything! The way I looked, talked, acted, moved, conversation, fun, all that stuff... I gave it up to God, and you know what? :) He gave it back to me. ;)

I went on to have more fun in that one day than I think I have had since 1st or 2nd grade. I was able to BE MYSELF, do what *I* wanted to do and say and act how *I* wanted to act, and I was soooo relaxed and NOT WORRIED! :) It was the first stress-free day around friends I've had in what seems like forever. I got back to our hotel that night and almost cried because I hadn't felt that good in so long!

So, I had the rest of the trip to think about that day and how it applied to my life in general. I was able to start changing while I was still gone so, now that I'm home, I feel like a new person. I'm finally the ME God made ME to be! :D I went to Jr. High tonight, and for the first time I wasn't worried about what I said or did to impress the kids or keep from looking/sounding stupid... I was able to be myself, and I had more fun with the kids tonight than all the youth events we've had put together!!!!!!!!!!! It felt amazing to be having fun with the people I love and not have to be worried. Instead of worried, I was overcome by a sense of peace and understanding that I was finally doing the right thing. After all those years of TRYING to be right, and changing to achieve that, I finally made the change that mattered. :)

Now, I'm still struggling with it because it's hard to change lifelong habits so quickly, lol. :p But I know that God was able to use the down time I had on vacation and away from my friends (after the 28th at least) to speed up the strengthening process. The real test will be tomorrow night at Sr. High yg with my friends that are my own age, and that I've been artificial with since 7th grade. It'll be hard, but I know it's worth it now, and I know how much I want and need this. :)

Anyway, I'm done now. Sorry that was sooo long! I just had to write / talk out my thoughts somewhere, hehe! :) If you think of it, please be praying for me that I'll be able to change me to BE me 24/7. I'd really seriously appreciate it!!! 0:3 God bless you all, and you're totally all in my prayers as well! Have an awesome week! :)

2005-05-26T19:40:00.000-07:00

Day 2: K, so I got my rents to set my phone up with text today so I can be updating my blog (among other reasons O;p lol!

2005-05-26T19:38:00.000-07:00

Msg: Day 2: K, so I got my rents to set my phone up with text today so I can be updating my blog (among other reasons O;p

2005-05-26T17:30:00.000-07:00

Msg: Day 2: K, so I got my rents to set my phone up with text today so I can be updating my blog (among other reasons O;p

2005-05-26T17:25:00.000-07:00

Msg: Day 2: K, so I got my rents to set my phone up with text today so I can be updating my blog (among other reasons O;p

2005-05-26T17:23:00.000-07:00

Day 2: K, so I got my rents to set my phone up with text today so I can be updating my blog (among other reasons O;p lol!

<3 ..Love.. <3

2005-05-22T22:16:00.000-07:00

Why is love the most wonderful feeling you can ever feel, yet it can be the worst thing you've ever felt? Why is it something that our world seems to revolve around?

What is Love?

If you look to the Bible, it has several answers:

1 John 4:7,8- "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and every one who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love."

1 Cor. 13:4,5,6,7,8a- "Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with truth;
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails..."

2 Timothy 2:22- "Now flee from youthful lusts, and pursue rightousness, faith, love and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart."

Hebrews 13:1- "Let love of brethren continue."

2 Peter 1:4,5,6,7- "For by these He has granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, in order that by them you might become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world by lust.
Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge;
and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness;
and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, christian love."

Good stuff, huh? I thought so! :)

But still, it doesn't have much on love in the way I'm dealing/struggling with. What way is that? Good question! :p

I'm a typical teenage girl in most respects. I've had my share of girlish holywood crushes (Commander Riker in Star Trek was my first, then there was Jesse Catsopolis on Full House, Jared on ZOOM (PBS show, lol), Obi Wan Kenobi in Star Wars: Episode 1, Darth Maul from same movie (I know, SICK! lol!), and several others...), and then some people I know personally as well. The holywood ones? No big! They'd never heard/hear of me, so they weren't too heartbraking. :p But the ones in person never seemed to care, whether they found out or not. In fact, they seemed to take joy in seeing my heart torn to pieces as I would shyly lay it at their feet in my mind, but somehow they'd see. I was crushed. And I started to realise that all the time I spent thinking about them pushed me closer from God. So out the window went the whole idea of anyone ever thinking I was special.

I decided to be "happily" single and forget about guys. If I could change some, then hopefully later God would MAKE some guy fall in love with me so we could get married. I felt sorry for that guy, lol! :p It lasted a while and I was able to start focusing more on God than guys, and I grew stronger because of it. :)

But now that I'm older (almost 18) I don't know what to think. That desire to have someone special that I thought I had hidden so well has surfaced again, and I don't know what to do with it. I'm starting to see that maybe I'm not the flat out freak I thought I was, and that maybe I *might* have a chance, but I don't know. Should I chance it? Should I let my heart loose to dream of what might be? Or should I supress these feelings yet again for another several years till I'm ready for marriage? I don't know. Love is sooo confusing, and it almost seems to blind seeking eyes from the correct path. Will this fog ever lift?

<>< Christi <><

"I Will Wait here at the Cross..." cont.

2005-04-29T13:36:00.000-07:00

Last episode we saw Christi broken and corrected on who she felt she was and where she thought she was at in her walk with Christ. Now for the continuing story:

One of the things that God showed me on Friday night is that basically I had turned my life into a show for the people around me. I wanted acceptance, and one of the ways I thought I could get it was by doing things for or around others. I also have this bad habit of thinking I’m not worth anything unless I have some wonderful talent/gift that I can give back to others. Otherwise it’s a waste of time for people to invest time in me. A lie straight from hell, I know. But nonetheless, one that shapes my feelings and thoughts nearly 24/7.

Another problem that I had was my worship was no longer genuine either. I’d sing and raise my hands and occasionally think, “Man, I love you God!” or “Isn’t it great that we can sing praises to our Father?”, but in the majority of my worship I was thinking, “Ok, so do I sound ok? What’s that harmony that the pianist is doing? Is the sound mix ok or do I need to tweak it? Ohhh dang, time to move to the next worship slide! Man, John Doe really is lookin’ great tonight! And man, he’s actually raising his hands in worship too! So, when I get home I need to finish up that homework, and send off that email, and I wonder what this person thinks about me…” Worship. The very thing that draws me deepest into God’s presence, into the Holy of Holies. The thing that gave me such a burning desire to fall in love with my God, and I had let my words of praise become empty. That was probably one of the hardest things for me during the entire weekend!

Well, Saturday morning was a new start. I had given up the ideal that my life was somewhat perfect and decided to give it up to God and let Him take control. And He did. That morning was probably the first serious time of worship I’ve had in a long time, and it was the most beautiful thing I had felt in a long time.  Then it was time for the speaker…

Saturday Morning’s Teaching:

This is just a very short and summed up version of it because, really, to tell you the truth there was just one thing that hit me harder than a 100 ton boulder falling on my head from the top of the Empire State building that morning, and that “boulder” was this:

It’s NOT what you do, it’s what HE’S done!

Ouch. Everything that happens in my life (according to me) is either awesome or stupid depending on what *I* do and how well I do it. But it’s not about what I do, because He’s already done everything for me. In fact, really and truly, the only thing I can do myself that has any importance is to surrender my heart and life to Him. That’s all I can do. He’s done the rest.

The one other thing that did kinda stick out to me was a comment about Mother Teresa. She was asked to speak at some big breakfast thing one day while the (ex)President Clinton was still serving, and he was actually hosting the whole shin-dig. To end her speech off, she made a comment about abortion and how it was murder. Next it was Clinton’s turn, and Jonathan said you could tell he was kinda shaken by what she had said. So his words after mounting the platform were these: “It’s hard to argue with a life so well lived.” Could he have said anything more true? We need to live our lives in a way that glorifies God so that way we will be just as hard to argue with.

Well, the rest of that afternoon was spent doing service projects (hence the name of the Rally “Let’s Get Dirty!”). My group of 8 or so other people went to an elderly couple’s house and mowed their lawn, pruned their ferns, weed wacked, and cut down a TON of blackberry branches. But even amidst the constant screams from spiders as big as our hands and dead snakes, we persevered and got the job done, and blessed a VERY grateful old lady and helped make an old man’s last days a little brighter. Yeah, last days. He’s given 6 months at most to live, has major brain damage, is confined to a wheel chair, and probably won’t even remember we were ever there a week from now. But it was worth it anyway, and, even if he doesn’t remember, she surely will. 

“At the foot of the Cross There is healing for this Nation
There is rest for those who wait
And the love that we find Is the hope for all Creation
We are stunned by what You gave!”

<>< Christi <><

"And I will wait here at the Cross..."

2005-04-26T11:24:00.000-07:00

"At the foot of the cross, where I kneel in adoration
And I lay my burdens down
I exchange all my sin for the promise of salvation
And Your name across my brow"

Isn't God super-uber amazing?? I think so! :D Let me tell you why...

I am a perfectionist. I'm a people-pleaser. I'm also a student leader. Very hard combination, lol. I do everything I can to help others and make them happy because I want to and because it's my job, and I expect perfection out of myself. I also want everyone's acceptance and approval, and I don't want to bother others with asking them for help. Trying to put all those things together and making them work is like putting all the pieces of a Swiss Watch into the casing and shaking it and expecting everything to put itself together and work flawlessly. Not really possible.

So, here's where the awesome stuff comes in:

This last weekend I went to Spring Rally with my youth group. The theme was "Let's Get Dirty!", and it was focusing on service projects. But, before you're prepared to help others, you have to be right first with God. I thought I was doing great. I'm a student leader, love God, worship, church, my family and friends, I've been a Christian before the beginning of time, never said a swear word in my life, and so on. I thought I was doing great in my life. Man, did God have fun breaking that heck-of-a-lie! :p

Friday Night's teaching:

Our speaker, Jonathan McKee, told a story about when his friend turned 18. Jonathan "kiddnapped" his friend, and he and a few buddies stuck him in the trunk of Jonathan's car, and drove off to meet some girls (:p) for an early breakfast surprise. But, the guys got a little carried away in their driving when they discovered the sharper and faster they hit turns, the more they heard their friend sliding from side to side in the trunk and screaming at them to cut it out. So, just before they got to the resturant, Jonathan decided to hit one last curve with everything he had.

He thought we was in control of the car. But he didn't realize how fast he was going and how it would cause him to skid into the middle lane of the road he was turning onto. He also didn't realize how close that cement truck was getting. They crashed and the car flew onto the sidewalk, and Jonathan's friend nearly died that day because Jonathan thought he was in control, not to mention all the other guys in the car.

Jonathan's whole point was this: There are SO many times in our life where we think we're in control, but there are usually things we don't factor in. I thought I was in control of my life, but MAN was I wrong! But thank goodness God was able to use the message that first night to brake me. :) It was *so* hard, but God is in control, and as long as I hold no control for myself and give ALL the control to God, He'll be able to then take me and shape/mold/make me into the person He wants me to be. :)

"At the foot of the cross I give up my vain ambition
And I leave my selfish pride
In the peace that is there will You restore my vision
In all the places I am blind?"

More coming up on the 10'o'clock news...

For those of you who know me...

2005-04-15T01:03:00.000-07:00

I have been doing some MAJOR re-evaluating of myself and the way I act, who I am, and what I am to others. God was gracious enough to give me a chance to live life on this earth, and I don't want to blow it. I want to be the person God created me to be, and do it with as few mistakes as possible.

SO, this is where YOU come in: I don't really know if I'm being the kind of person I should be to others... If I'm being a good enough friend, a good enough student, a good enough leader, etc. I need you to tell me what you think about me, and truthfully. I want to know what I'm doing right AND what I'm doing wrong. Is there anything that stands out to you in a good/bad way? Are there things I do that bug you so much you just want to scream? Tell me! I can't change if I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Anyway, I'd *really* appreciate any and all feedback. Thank you for your help, and God bless you all megatons! :)

Growing in Him,
<>< Christi <><

Blogging

2005-04-12T15:05:00.000-07:00

Thoughts. Figures. Meaningful facts. Pointless Ponders. What are these things that are worth spending my time pouring all these things into the World Wide Web for all to read and share in??

Got me.

Why are emotions and feelings so much the centerpoint of our society today? Why do our lives revolve around our thoughts and decisions when humankind are so foulable?

Again. Got me.

Is this random? Yes and no. Yes in the fact that I'm not making much sense, but no in the sense that our world and everyone in it are so "random" that things can't really be called random anymore.

Or can they?

Why do I have answers that could fix the world, yet continue to ignore them? Why do I know the way and still continue to travel off the path into the very danger I saw and acknowledged miles (or years) back? Why am I not making any sense, but making perfect sense all at once???

You tell me... 0:/

A Story

2005-03-22T13:44:00.000-08:00

Ok, I wrote this the other day, and I just thought I'd post it up and see what everyone thinks (all 2 of you that is, lol :p). Anyway, enjoy and lemme know! I'm thinking about making up a whole story to go around it so.. Anywayz, love ya all and God bless! :)

"Ok, so picture this: One lone figure standing at the edge of a huge canyon. The sides are sheer and, when you carefully glance over the edge, the bottom is so deep down it's impossible to see. The other side of the canyon is miles upon miles away *at least*, and it's hard to see because of a low and thin cloud cover. Then, by some unforeseen phenomena, you're allowed intrance into that one figure's mind...
"I can't do it! What if I try and fail? What's on the bottom? How do I stay afloat like the rest?? I *can't* do it!!!!!"

"What the heck..." You wonder. Then the clouds seem to lift for a few brief moments, allowing you to notice something that before had been shrouded in mystery. Out in the middle of the wide expanse between the two walls of the canyon were hundreds of thousands of people, all gliding through the air as if it were normal to them. In confusion, you turn to see you've just been joined by hundreds more on the edge of the cliff. Then your attention is drawn back to that one figure, with which you are still connected.

"I just don't understand! I can't do it! I'm not good enough, yet I'm expected to conquer the impossible. If I go, I'll surely fall to my complete and painful demise! They tell me it's easy, but they won't tell me how!!! Why won't anyone help me??"

You finally start to understand what's going on. All of the people now standing around you are either young and still learning, or are lost and confused and scared to make the jump. The jump is something all these people must make at one point or another, and who they are and how they live on land will determine whether they will fly or fall into the depths of the ravine. Then you start hearing more voices...

"They tell me if I act a certain way, I'll fly. But what is that certain way? How do I become good enough to soar?"

"I think you have to be a nice person, but how? I think you're supposed to do things like pray to the One every day, do good things for others, live an obedient life, and be a perfect person. But I'm not perfect! Does that mean I'm doomed???"

"No, you're not perfect, unlike me. But then no one is perfect like me, so the rest of you are all trash and shouldn't even try!"

"What makes the others soar? What do they have that makes them so amazing? What do they have that the fallen ones didn't?"

"Just be like me! Cool, collected, wear clothes like mine, talk like me, act like me, and you'll frickin' fly all the way! I've got the answer, so what's the deal with everyone else?!?!?!"

Hours pass and the thoughts and questions continue on. You see the looks on the people's faces: Fear, confusion, uncertainty, pain, anger, regret, longing, pressure... Does it end? Your answer comes partially when one of the figures steps back and then takes a leap out into the open. It seems at first that they were successful as you see them gliding out into the open, but then the wind picks up and turbulance hits the being and it is sent plumitting into the Depths. Everyone around you is hushed.

Then, another seems to say a temporary goodbye to those around them, and then peacefully steps off the edge and into the great unknown. It seems like hours later (though it was really only a matter of seconds) that you and the crowd sees them rise up above the wind and join the rest of the floating bodies. Everyone stands in admiration of the one who managed to fly, and you could hear the wishes of people near by--wanting to know that person's secret.

Then you notice that first lone being, still confused, scared and lost, getting ready to take the plunge as well. You reach out to stop them because you don't want to loose this person you've connected so closely with, but you stop yourself, knowing that it's time. You whisper a quiet goodbye & good luck, and the figure turns and acknowledges you, thanking you for your sympathy. Then, standing on the very edge of the rock, they looked up toward the wide blue sky and their toes hung heavy over the deep black depths, they took a step..."

<>< C-izzle <><

Aspire to Inspire

2005-03-14T12:35:00.000-08:00

I really don't know why I'm calling this post "aspire to inspire" aside from the fact that it sounds cool and deep, but I guess it kinda fits what I'm gunna talk about.

Being a homeschooler, I can be SO much different than other kids around me, and I usually am different, because of how my parents raised me and from being home most of my life. And that was cool when home was still my life, but now I want to make other friends. I want to hang out with kids and be normal and crazy and "cool". But how? I feel like other kids don't want to accept me for who I am, so what do I do? Is there a certain way I need to dress? Act? Be? If so, I'm doomed, cuz I can't figure it out, and no one has told me yet...

But one thing I have been noticing is that most of the "popular" kids I know are "popular" because they are themselves. They have their tastes, their way to dress, act, be.. They've developed their character and they aren't afraid or ashamed of it. Another thing I have yet to grasp.

I guess I just have to learn to be myself, but first I have to make myself (does that make *any* sense??). I have to aspire to inspire myself to mold me to like things *I* like, do things *I* do, dress the way *I* dress, be *me*... While, of course, still trying to follow the world a bit to keep in touch and not become a total outcast. :p But I don't think I can be much more of an outcast than I am now, lol...

Anyway, another long post that probably only makes sense to me and will just confuse my few readers (if they still come since I haven't posted in eons, lol) and scare them away. :p I love ya'll, and God bless!!! I hope you have a wonderful week. :)

<>< Christi <><

Can anyone say.... I dunno...

2005-02-28T11:36:00.000-08:00

LOL! Ok, so how totally and completely *pathetic* is this??? I now have 4 blogs (oh, and I updated TJ's and Crys' blog... Check it... If ye be brave! ;D), 1 Xanga, and 1 MySpace!!! TJ, wouldn't you say this is proof enough to become like the queen of all No-Lifers ever? Yeah, that's what I thought... ;)

Anyway... I can't do it now, but I'll update more later. Sorry guys, this MySpace thing is wack. I can't figure it out for the life of me, and it's detracting from my attention here. More later! :)

<>< Christi <><

Crazy Times

2005-02-24T11:03:00.000-08:00

Ok, first I want to apologize to all of you fellow Alice in Wonderland fanatics for my misquoting in the last post. I have not seen that movie (the old cartoon one. It's the only one worth watching in my opinion, lol) in what seems like forever, so my memory is a little rusty! ;) Also, sorry for stealing that from your Xanga Sara! I *seriously* had no idea why I had it stuck in my head all weekend till you said that! :p GO BLONDES! :D

So anyway, God is good *crowd echos* (all the time)! All the time *crowd echos again* (God is good)! :) I love it when we do that in my church! It's like this adrenaline rush from hearing 2000 people declaring that God is good ALL THE TIME at once, and giving the glory to Him! God seriously rules, does He not? ;)

Anyway, this whole post is turning out to be almost as random as my last one. Except a bit more on the serious side and less on flying pigs. Oh well.

Music seems to be such a huge part of my life now. More and more, every day I want to pick up my guitar and play and sing and write from sun-up to sun-down! It's interesting too, because other people around me are starting to talk to me more because, suddenly, I have something in common with them! I'm not this freak-homeschooler that doesn't have a life and has no clue what *cool* is. Instead I'm this guitar chick that can sing and play well enough that people aren't running away in all directions and screaming to evacuate the building, lol. Talk about a huge change from what I'm used to... :p

So, I know that probably no one else in the whole world can identify with that. Maybe I still am some uber-freak that doesn't know anything and isn't used to people wanting to get to know her more! Yeah, that's it. I'm a one-of-a-kind freak that was born in the '80s, and proud of it! :D Kind of... lol.

Anyway, enough blabbering for now. NO clue where I was going with that! :p I need to find things that people will actually benefit from reading instead of being all random and stuff. Maybe then I can fool people into thinking I'm cool! ;) LOL! As if.. :P

God bless you all, and I promise I'll do my best to come up with something better to say next time. This has been another episode of Pointless Ponders, and this is me signing out. Till next time...

<>< Christi <><

"The time has come,"...

2005-02-18T18:01:00.000-08:00

...The walrus said, "To talk of many things, of shoes and ships and ceiling wax, of cabbages and kings, of where the sea is boiling hot, and whether fish have wings!"

Do fish have wings? Because there definialy places where the sea is boiling hot... What do cabbages and kings have in common? Is cabbage a nickname for queens? In that case, kings eat cabbage, so do kings eat their queens? Is the author of this poem suggesting that kings are cannibles and queens are nothing but veggies??

Ok, I have to go now. My best friend is here (almost) for a sleepover and I have to start dinner. I was gunna try to bring this whole post to a most "serious" ending, lol, but I don't have time now. :p

God bless, and I hope your days are filled with wonderful and exciting randomness to the Nth degree! :D *hugs*

In Him,

<>< Christi <><

"Sunny with a high of 75...

2005-02-16T11:55:00.000-08:00

...Since You took my heavy heart and made it light..."

Take my heavy heart? That sounds wonderful. Why is it that songs seem to make up so much of my life? Because I can start with a song like this, and who knows where it'll take me! I can go from Relient K ("You took my heavy heart and made it light") to Superchic[k]s song ("some people bring you gifts, some bring you bricks to weigh you down") to a song my dad wrote ("I need a little help Lord, to find my way, it gets a little crazy though it's just another day..") to whoever does this one ("Put a smile on your face, it'll make the world look better, put a smile on your face...") to Rebecca St. James ("You make the road rise up to meet me, You make the sun shine warm upon my face, the wind is at my back and the rain falls soft..") to Point of Grace ("Lord the sky's still blue for my hope is in You, You're my joy, You're the dream that's still alive..") and so on. Just in that last paragraph my mood has changed. *Just* from reading those lyrics. Can anyone say music isn't powerful?

Have you ever had feelings that were just *so* strong, and you wanted to share them with anyone..everyone..around you? But you JUST CAN'T find the words to describe it! Have you ever wanted to draw or paint a picture of something and you're just SO inspired, but after a minute or two of trying and all you come up with is some scribbles that would have been bad for a 5 year old? Or writing! Have you ever *REALLY* wanted to write a story or a song or poem about something that was soooo important to you, but you couldn't find the right words, and it's worse than the school paper you failed last week? Or music! Have you ever wanted to just sit down with an instrument and play your heart out, all to hear your mom screaming to get the cat off the keyboard? And even if she doesn't, you just can't get the feelings out that you so throughly were hoping to. It's like a pimple that is just deep enough under your skin that you can't pop it, but close enough to the surface that it hurts like the dickens, right?

As I read back now on my last two paragraphs, I have NO idea where they came from. Talk about random, lol! But I guess they are things I've been thinking about a LOT lately, so I guess it's not *too* random. Plus I'm sure someone out there can identify with this. Just so you know, whoever you are, you're not alone! *hugs*

Anyway, I've rambled on enough for today I think. I love you all and hope you all have a wonderful week! Oh, and if you're like my best friend Jacque and thought this was the only place I spent my time, you're wrong. I also have a Xanga. You can check it out in my links area (which you should still check out if you haven't already!), or here: The Eternal Abyss of Nothingness. Anyway, this is Christi Kentworthy wishing you a wonderful week! Keep your eggs sunny side up! :D

<>< Christi <><

"It's funny how you find you enjoy your life, when you're happy to be alive!"

Crowdbreaker

2005-02-09T13:40:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I MAJORLY apologize to those few readers for the length of my previous 3 posts. I got too much into story writing mode, and that can be dangerous for me! ;)

Anyway, I thought I'd break up the length by posing the question and answer to a short but confusing and interesting question:

If God can do anything, can He make a rock SO big that He cannot lift it?

The answer? No. Why? If God can do anything, why can't He do that??? The answer is really quite simple! God cannot go against Himself, and, to be able to create something He could not move when He can supposedly do anything, would be to contradict Himself. The only 2 things God can't do:

1. Sin

2. Contradict Himself

Interesting, huh? Till next time, remember that our God is there for us no matter what, and He can help us though ANYTHING! God bless, and have a wonderful day! 0:)

In Him,

<>< Christi <><

Part 3

2005-02-07T14:53:00.000-08:00

For the 3rd and final part...(sorry this is taking so long, I'm on a writing role, and I love writing so I can't stop, lol! :p You don't have to read if you don't want to. ;) Anyway, to continue......)

The next morning came, and panic was evident. She ate breakfast quickly, and got back to the dorms to go over her "speech". Almost nothing was decided. She wrote down a few points that she learned through the trip, but that was it.

Again, panic set in about 2 hours later when she ran into the meeting room, realizing she missed worship and they were waiting for her to talk. She ran up on the stage, sat down, and looked into the audience to see a bunch of faces that were half asleep. Great. Now she was gunna have to keep their attention too. Again, she. Was. Doomed.

She quickly explained about the spiritual status in Greece (that 98% of Grecians were Greek Orthodox, 0.002% were born again believers). No response. She talked about a few of their adventures in Greece. Was that snoring? She finished with the lessons she learned. She was finally done. Was that one person half-clapping in the back? Oh, no..It was the leader getting up to move the group along. Failure. 110% failure.

She got up and walked off the stage and quietly slipped out of the room to get a glass of water. Or that's what she said. Really, she was shaking so badly that she couldn't have held a glass...It would have been on the floor in seconds. She sat down outside the chapel room in the hallway, and started crying. Then she heard the door open. She stopped...Or at least tried. It was Mark, the speaker of the camp. He gave her a hug and congratulated her for doing such a beautiful job. "Beautiful job?? Huh, I wish!" She replied sarcastically. She knew she had blown it. But Mark didn't stop. He said a few more words, praised her again, and left. Basically he showed her, in those few words, her flawed wanting of perfection. She didn't do that bad, and, believe it or not, she actually showed some talent for speaking. But she let her expectations get in the way and cloud her view. And, even though to this very day Christi *still* doesn't think she did as good as she could have (which is true), she learned and invaluable lesson that she will never forget.

She is not perfect, but God loves her anyway, and will use her in amazing and beautiful ways if she'll just back off here unrealistic expectations and humble herself before God. He can't change/use/mold something that's already perfect.

Part 2

2005-02-07T14:19:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'd say this is just *slightly* overdue, lol. I'm sorry, my two (maybe one) faithful blog readers! :p My life is crazy!!!! ARG!!! :p

Anyway, to finish my story...

So, last we heard, Christi was at Winter Retreat and just finished listening to the evening speaker on the first day. After being totally and completely, beyond any and all imagination, impacted by the teaching, we find Christi outside the lodge in the freezing cold, snow falling, and tears pouring.

"How can that be?? I KNOW God loves me, but how could He pick me when I have nothing of worth to give back! Other kids have their music talents, writing talents, artistic talents, speaking talents, good looks, lots of friends and a HUGE range they could impact, and I have no music, writing, artistic, or speaking talents, good looks are *very* minimal, and I have a few acquantainces. There's NOTHING I can do well enough, and I'm totally imperfect and messed up. I'm a stupid homeschooler who doesn't know anything..." and on and on she went. And then it hit her..."I still have to speak tomorrow!!!!"

Brain fried, tired, and still crying (except harder by now), she tried to think of anything she could say the next day. God had shown her though Mark (the speaker) that what she had planned to say was NOT what God wanted her to share. So she had about 10 hours (about 8 of which she'd be sleeping) to come up with something new to say. But nothing would come. Everything seemed too stupid, empty, serious, or too short or long. 20 minutes of speaking time and all she could think to say was, "Hi, I'm Christi and I went to Greece in August." All of which the crowd already knew. She. Was. Doomed.

Then a friend walked by. Embarassed, Christi wiped the tears from her eyes and tried to pretend she was fine. He wouldn't fall for it. He sat down they talked for about an hour or so. She explained all her thoughts and fears, and he shot them down, one by one. He helped her to get her mind off of it for a bit, and then he invited her to come with a few friends over to the game barn for a bit. She hesitated, but went along. The rest of the evening was wonderful, nothing but pure fun, but she forgot about her 20 minutes on the stage the next day, and didn't get anything new ready.

"To be continued....again, lol"

untitled

2005-02-03T14:53:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone! I just got this idea that I could update my blog via my new cell phone, so I thought I'd test it! :) Anyway,

Back to the Serious...Kind of...

2005-01-06T11:39:00.000-08:00

In early December, I was asked by one of my youth leaders if I would be willing to share about my trip to Greece and also a little bit of my testimony on our youth group's winter retreat. He wanted me to talk about how my trip impacted my life and what I got out of it, and how exciting it was to be in a foreign country. We decided I'd talk for 20 minutes.

Now I've only really spoken in front of a group once, and that was for 2 minutes at my church on Sunday. That had also been in front of 2000 people, lol. But I was kinda nervous, to say the least. But I came up with stuff I wanted to talk about, and I figured it would be great. :) Boy was that a misconception.

I got to Winter Camp, and the first night we had our speaker give the first message (I was scheduled for the next morning). His topic was "Who am I?". No big, I've heard those messages before. First half was pretty easy stuff...He told a few stories about his childhood, and it was pretty cool. The last half though, it seemed like every sentance cut deeper than the last. In the beginning I was smiling and excited to be there, but at the end I had my head burried in my Bible and tears running down my cheeks. Everything he said (stuff about us belonging to God, being special to Him, being created for special purposes, etc.) was soooo true, and I had been ignoring all of it just so I could live in my own pity-party life. But the very last thing he pulled was HUGE. He read Ephesians 1:4, which says, "For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ with His pleasure and will." For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world...He chose ME in Him before the creation of the world. Wow. I know it's true, but it's sooo hard to believe!

Anyway, this is long enough for now. I'll finish the rest of the story later.

Chosen by Him,

<>< Christi <><

Hey HEy HEY!!!

2005-01-04T13:47:00.000-08:00

Fat Albert's coming to save the day!!!! :)

Have you guys seen the movie Fat Albert yet? It's a comedy put together by Bill Cosby (who also appears in the movie), and it's got more class and clean laugh-your-face-off jokes and plot lines than I have seen in a LONG time! The Fat Albert Gang are just the greatest bunch, and the actors in the movie are fantastic, and they would *definiatly* make a GREAT band!! ;)

But aside from it just being a funny movie, there's also a serious side to it. Doris Robinson is kind of an outcast from school. No one will hang out with her except her adopted sister Lauri, and she's barely making it in her classes and is lucky to finish in track (which she used to be one of the best runners). She goes home after school and sits down to watch tv with tears running down her cheeks. So, she turns on the cartoon Fat Albert and a tear drop falls unto the remote, which magicly trasports the teardrom into the cartoon. Fat Albert stops what he was doing and hears a girl crying, and then a tear drop hits the ground and creates a sort of "black hole" between the cartoon world and the real world the Doris' tv set. So Fat Albert decides to leave the cartoon world and help Doris. Then, the entire Fat Albert crew head through the tv screen, and promise to help Doris solve her problems.

I know it sounds kinda stupid to read about it, but it's really not. It's an exciting, heartfelt, and funny adventure that the movie then takes you on, reminding the audience that it's not what everyone else around you thinks you are on the outside...It's what's on the inside that counts. And even though that's an age-old lesson, Fat Albert puts a TOTALLY new spin on it that makes you wanna run and be no one but yourself again! :)

Anyway, never forget that you (yes, YOU!!! The one who's reading this by now! You ROCK!!! :D) are special and wonderful and are one-of-a-kind! I hope you have a wonderful new year of 2005, and I'll update more later! :)

In Him,

<>< Christi <><

P.S. You HAVE to see Fat Albert!!! It's the must-see movie of the year! ;)

Thanks to ImageShack for [URL=http://www.imageshack.us]Free Image Hosting[/URL]

Fat Albert pictures found at: http://members.tripod.com/BobCurry2/FatAlbert.html

Busy, busy, busy...

2004-12-23T17:19:00.000-08:00

Christmas break. I'd like to talk to the person who invented that term, because maybe then I could understand what exactly he/she meant by those 2 words. I don't know about the rest of the human beings out there, but I haven't found much of a "break" during this time of celebrating. Everything is "Hurry! Hurry!!! HURRY!!!", a symptom quite commonly known as stress, and none of it ever seems to end...Not even for a short second.

But even amidst all the craziness, the endless shopping, the calories upon calories to gourge yourself upon, the pretty lights and decorations that take forever to put up and people criticize if they aren't straight, the baking in which something is always mistakenly left out of AT LEAST one recipe (ex. sugar, salt, baking powder/soda, flour, etc.), and the joy and happiness seems so often forced upon you, there's so much more to this merry season.

Wait!!! Hold up a sec!!! You mean there is MORE I have to remember?!?!?!?!? I thought I covered it all!!! Ok, so there may be some that I missed like giving to others, Christmas caroling, making sure you get all the good deals before everyone else, but those things are a given. You're saying that there's STILL more that makes this even more important?!?!?!?!?

But then it hits me. I suddenly remember the single most important thing that makes Christmas what it REALLY is. The shopping, baking, parties, sales, gifts...They can all vanish and never come back, and we would still have what Christmas truely is. Actually, it might be good for all of us. We could all use a trip back to the basics I think.

Mary and Joseph, the Baby Jesus, angels appearing to the shepherds in the feild, the 3 wise men, the star that led them to a little insignificant stable in the town of Bethleham...The list goes on! Has it even ended yet???...

Anyway, just a trip through my head as I struggle with the main thing: Keeping the Main Thing the mMain Thing. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas, and succeed in your life at keeping the Main Thing the Main Thing. God bless you all!

In Him,

<>< Christi <><

As the Mist settles...

2004-11-24T10:57:00.000-08:00

Have you ever botteled up your feelings and tried to keep them secret from the rest of the world, and maybe even yourself? Do you ever have times in your life where you feel so desprate that you can't keep it in any longer? That's what I've been dealing with over the last few months. 17 years worth of problems and imperfection that I *finally* stopped ignoring and decided to face it head-on. Only to find myself falling head-first to the hard ground of realization.

Yet at the same time that I wanted to stop myself from falling, I realized that I needed to hit rock-bottom before I could start climbing up again. It's a scary thing to have all of your life suddenly flashed in front of your face. You see all of your weaknesses and failures all at once, and nothing can stop the regret from lashing out at you at slapping you over and over again till you're numb with pain.

But even so, as the mist settles and starts to clear, I can see over the horizon and I know that I'm changing and growing. Even though I *just* fell, my Awesome Father is already helping to start the climb back up. It's so awesome to know that He's there to help, and no matter how hard it is to see through the fog or even though it may hurt so much, He's right there through all of it, and I can rest in His promise that He'll "work all things out for the good of those who love Him." :)

"And You said,
'I know that this will hurt,
But if I don't break your heart
Things will just get worse!
When the burden seems too much to bear
Remember,
The end will justify
The pain it took to get us there!'"

<>< Christi <><

Good Enough For You

2004-11-08T18:22:00.000-08:00

"You were always there for me
When I really needed a hand
And when I couldn’t remember how to walk,
You’d show me how to stand
No deed could repay nor word convey
How much that’s meant to me
Yet every chance I get to try,
I fall and fail for all to see!

I’m sorry, dear friend, that I’ve let you down again
I’ve fallen and I can’t get back up on the ledge
That’s cracking, falling,
Like the tears from my cheeks are falling
To the river down below
I’ll get caught in the water’s flow
And I’ll be sinking, drowning,
In the waves of stupidity drowning
‘Cuz I’m not now and I never will be, my friend,
Good enough for you!"

Who Am I?

2004-11-04T11:27:00.000-08:00

"I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind..."

Lost...Confused...Scared...Uncertain...

I feel like a small, insignificant blob of nothingness, wandering through a wilderness where everything is so tall and crowded, and everything has a purpose. Why does it seem that those purposes are just to confuse me??? Nothing I do or say is seen or heard because, compared to the loud and strong voices of everything above me, my voice is small and scared that I'm not saying the right thing. And when I am noticed, it's because I tripped over one of them or made a huge mistake, then I end up with never-ending whispers that seem to grow louder as they come closer to me and finally enter my ears. I feel broken down...Hurt...Wounded...And old scars that I never dealt with are suddenly torn open again.

This is so wierd, because I never feel this down-and-out, but maybe it's because I was just hiding it before. I didn't want to admit my weaknesses...I'M PERFECT! But the realization of the lies hit hard, and the blow tore me to pieces. Or at least, the person I thought was me. Another realization: All my life I've made myself to be like the people around me to gain their acceptance. But instead of gaining all their cool and popular sides, I've just gained all their weaknesses. So instead of being the genuine Christi Turner, I've become a collection of the "dark sides" of all the people I've ever liked or respected!

Who am I? Who do I need to be? How do I be me? How do I find where I am and where I need to go? I know, I have a map called the Bible, but it's so confusing! How do I understand it? Interpret it? WHAT SHOULD I DO?!?!?!?!?

"Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am...
I am Yours!"

The Sting of Death and New Life

2004-11-01T13:10:00.000-08:00

Sounds fairly confusing, right? Let me explain:

This last weekend I had the privilege of going on my first Jr. High retreat as a leader. I had been really excited about the trip, and was really looking forward to seeing how God would work in the youth group.

The second day (Saturday) in the afternoon, I felt this burning feeling between my fingers. I looked down, and there was a wasp stuck there. After I managed to shake him loose (because of the funky dance and frantic screaming), my whole hand started burning. Thankfully I only got stung once (Praise God for that!!), and I'm not extremely allergic to the stings.

But because of the sting, my whole hand swelled up and it hurt like the dickens everytime I moved it or it got bumped. I couldn't use my hand for anything. It was like I had sprained it...Broken it...Like it had died.

Then it dawned on me: how many times do I take other things for granted? My legs, arms, head, heart, home, country, life, friends, family, youth group leaders, pastors, God, wea-....Wait! Did I just say God?

Yes, I did. My Jesus is my Lifeline, my Creator, my King, my Shepherd, my Master Builder, my Everything. And yet, I still take Him for granted almost daily! I've grown up so close to Him that I don't really know what life would be like without Him. It scares me to think of who I would be if He weren't in my life! I would be like I was without my hand: I couldn't (wouldn't) do as much, simple chores would hurt a LOT more, I'd become incredibly vulnerable, and would be constantly frustrated that I couldn't measure up to those around me. My life would be (pardon the phrase) "like hell" without God!

So now, because of this "new" realization, I hope to have a new dependence and respect and appreciation for my Savior, Christ, who gave up not only his hand, but his LIFE, and died to give me new life.

"Thank you, Father God, for being my everything!"

God bless you all!

In Him,

<>< Christi <><

30 years ago...

2004-10-26T23:04:00.000-07:00

A 20 year old college student wrote this:

"1-7-1974

The rain washed the world away.
Everything looks pale
Like a watercolor picture
the colors fade and run togeter
Leaving my world
dim and blurry,
Uncertain.

I am no exception:
My soul is washed & diluted
As I worry about untangling my world,
Redrawing the lost lines
Trying to clarify, seperate the blurs.

I am a child with watercolors,
Drawing stick figures and purple suns,
Crushed and wondering why they don't look real.

The Master Painter comes, and lovingly
shows the child a few of her mistakes.
He warns her,
'It shall be long before you will be able to correct these
But I will teach you as you are able to understand.
Now, let Me paint your world!'

He does, with the Master's touch
And with His fine, practiced stroke
He repaints me,
Brighter than I will ever be able."

Now, 30 years later, that college student has been happily married for 25 years and has two teenage daughters of her own. I'm the oldest of the two.

I found a notebook down in our basement full of writings from before, during, and after my mother's college years. As I read through it, I become more and more amazed at how much my mom experienced that I'm going through as well. All these poems, her heartcrys at the time, are the same things I feel and experience. For once I have a sympathy and an understanding and connection with my mom that I've never had before! It's amazing to see that, even though it's hard for her to understand now, she knew once what I am going through, and she personally experienced a lot of the same things herself. It's very encouraging to read her pain and joy and confusion and know that things turned out ok in the end.

"12-?-73

Trust in the Lord,
With all your heart...
There's so much to learn,
so many things I want to know---
now."

The Greatest Blessing

2004-10-26T01:34:00.000-07:00

There are many things that mean a lot to me, especially when you start getting into the God side of things, but there is one thing that is (as far as I can think) the most exciting thing to me: being used by God. Think about it! The God of all, the Creator of the universe, the Alpha and Omega, my holy Father, the most perfect being in all existence; and He chooses to use me, an "insignificant" little earthling that is not even as much as an ant compared to His glory! And yet He still places His trust in me, and uses me to impact the people around me when He could easily do without! What could be more exciting about that?!?

Now, I may be partially biased here, because, through my entire life, I have but one goal: To make a positive difference in my world. To stand up when others around me fall, to shine God's light in the dark, to swim upstream and be an example to the rest of the fish, to be the one black sheep in a heard of white (or, if you want to stay Biblical, the only white sheep in a heard of black sheep because of the black=sin and white=purity example). Our world needs help, and, even though I'm a small and insignificant teenager in the world's eyes, God sees me as a pot boiling over with potential and excitement and love for Him! So, I believe that is why it's so stinkin' exciting when God chooses to use me as a vessel to pour out His love and wisdom to those around me.

I could talk forever on this subject because I have such a passion for it, but it is late (or should I say early, haha!) and I must end for now.

May God bless and use each and every one of you to impact the people around you in as many positive ways as possible! Keep your eyes on God and your heart in His word, and you're right on track to living a full life for Him! :)

A vessel of God's,

<>< Christi <><

We are the Youth of the Nation

2004-10-21T13:51:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I had this entire post basically written up, but I decided it just wasn't what I needed to post on now. There's some other stuff that's really bugging me, and I think I'm gunna talk about that instead.

Let me make some statements, and see what you think:
~I believe that we, as teenagers, are the youth of the Nation. No arguements? Good!
~I believe that we are not just useless beings like so many people think teenagers are. Still good (at least with the other teenagers)? Great!
~I believe that we have the power to make a difference in our country. Did I loose a few of you there? Well, check the next one.
~I believe that we are called BY THE BIBLE to stand against Satan and swim upstream to be examples to the whole world. How many of you are still with me? That's where a lot of people back off and decide to retreat.

"Me? Make a difference? Dude, I'm like nothing. The adults don't listen to me, my teachers treat me like crap, and my opinion isn't worth trash to the people around me. There is NO reason to even bother trying to change anything, including me, cuz I can't make a difference to anyone!"
And that's when kids start turning to smoking, alcohol, drugs, sex, theft, murder, suicide...because they're either trying to turn themselves into something others will respect (but they look to the wrong people for that respect), or trying to drown out what a wreck they think their life is.

Guys, listen to me. Wait, no. Listen to God! We are NOT trash. We are NOT worthless. We are NOT talentless (in fact we're quite the opposite!). We need to live out what the Bible says: "Do not let people look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, life, love, faith, and in purity!"
Because God said Himself: "'For I know the plans I have for you!' declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a HOPE and a FUTURE!'" But that future isn't going to be much if we don't stand up for it NOW!

So, I'll just end on this:

WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!!

No way.!.!.!.

2004-10-18T01:36:00.000-07:00

I did not just write that the other day (referring to my previous post)!!! Did I? I think that had to have been the best, most inspired thing I've ever written! Lame, I know, but still exciting. Unoriginal? I know, I just decided to put it in my own words, and MAN it felt good! Uninteresting? To everyone other than me and my parents, probably. But I don't care. I'm just totally pumped that I was able to write about something that meant so much to me with such passion and enthusiasm, and have it turn out good enough to sound like someone with a higher intelligence level than I wrote it! Why does it seem I can rarely ever measure up to those around me?

There I go, bashing myself again! I can't get away from it. Everything I do, good or bad, is thoroughly critiqued by myself in an inhuman way, because I expect perfection from an imperfect creation. Illogical, I know. Very rarely will I allow myself the pleasure of feeling I did something half-right for a change, and even then I scold myself in between the praises! It's nice to know I have a God and Father who will accept me no matter how many flaws I possess, and will love me for all eternity just because I am His creation and His daughter and, to Him, I am a beautiful princess who is worth all the worldly precious metals and gems combined!

I just wish there was some way I could look at myself through His eyes for once, and be fully convinced that it's true. But I guess that's where trust and faith come in, right?

"Seeing isn't believing. Believing is seeing! They don't have to see this place to know that it's here."
-Elf in The Santa Clause

Music

2004-10-15T17:06:00.000-07:00

What is man's infatuation with the unseen vibrations that travel from special material items, commonly known as instruments or vocal chords, to our ears and make a plethora of noises that all (preferably) sound in one accord? Is it the sensation of feeling our ear drums frantically move back and forth? Or is it the fascination that thousands of tiny invisible waves are moving toward you at unthinkable speeds and somehow formulate into something noticeable (usually referred to as 'noise')as they bear down upon you? I think neither, though both are intriguing.

It is my belief, being a musician in training, that this extreme love of music comes from a deeper, more hidden (and yet not) need. I believe that the call to experience this phenomena is an eternal heart-cry of all man kind. Human beings, being limited as we are while having been created by the Supernatural, have a burden to express ourselves in extraordinary and artistic ways! There are feelings that are so often bundled inside of our bodies which we do not have the full capability of making them known and, oftentimes, understanding them ourselves; which is where the beauty and depth of Musical Expression enters the picture.

Music, as well as the wording and meaning of it, helps fulfill that need, and desire, in ways which, I believe, are unexplainable to man. It is an awesome and exhilarating experience when we are able to put our thoughts and feelings into something that seems to express them so precisely, and yet stays open to interpretation to others which, in turn, is able to unite people of all backgrounds and interests together on one level. It also enables the musician a way to funnel his/her feelings in this way at any time by simply picking up their instrument of choice and playing and/or singing till their current need is sufficiently satisfied.

"I hear the angelic mixing of the melodies and harmonies intertwined with feeling and emotion and am convinced that there must be a God!"

<>< Christi <><

A revelation/realization between God and I

2004-10-13T13:05:00.000-07:00

Ok, so last week I attended the first meeting of many to come for the new Girl's Group that's going on at Sr. high. Part of the requirements for the group is that the day of the meeting we are all supposed to fast from 6 am-6 pm, and, at some point during the day, set aside AT LEAST an hour to just pray and read our Bibles and worship alone, away from all distractions. The fasting part went fast and easily for me, as I thought the devotion time would as well. But that hour was the longest hour of my entire life, so it seemed. I could not, even for a minute, focus on praying, reading, singing, or whatever else I tried. My mind was RACING faster than the Indy 500, planning out what had to be done once I was done with that hour, as well as thinking over the next week(s) to come! I finally had to give up and do some cooking while I prayed, becuase it was the only thing I could do to even semi-focus!

I had the same problem that night as we all got together to talk about how things went, and then pray for half an hour. I could not focus for ANYTHING! Finally, in the middle of our group prayer time, while I was laying on the couch in the corner of the youth center, I silently cried out to God, begging Him to help calm down my mind and help me to focus!!! And finally, God did what He does so often with me, and He started laying songs on my heart, one by one, and it started with "Unashamed Love" by Ten Shekel Shirt:

"You're calling me to lay aside the worries of my day
To quiet down my busy mind and find a hiding place
Worthy, You are Worthy!"

It was just like, "But dude, where?? What hiding place?? Where can I get away from this?? Where ever I go I'm bombarded 24/7, and there's no escape..." And then, He followed it up with "Haven":

"I long to be flown far away from the details that take their toll
I know what I need to embrace is a Haven for my soul!
I long to be flown to the place I can let all my troubles go
I see when I'm wrapped up in You, You're the Haven for my soul!"

And then it hit me: "Wow, ok...all I have to do is fall back on Jesus, my Hiding Place, and rest in His glory and majesty, and HE will be My Hiding Place!" Next came, ironically, the song "Hiding Place":

"You are my Hiding Place
You always fill my heart with songs of delieverance
Whenever I am afraid I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!
Let the weak say I am strong in the strength of my Lord
I will trust in You!"

"Oh my goodness...you mean there was a trust issue going on too?? I haven't been surrendering my life up to You like I should've been! I'm SO sorry, God! Please forgive me, and BRAKE me God! I give it *ALL* up to You!!!"

"When the music fades, and all is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing *just* to bring something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart!

I bring You more than a song, for a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search MUCH deeper within through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart!

I'm coming back to the heart of worship,
And it's ALL ABOUT YOU, ALL ABOUT YOU JESUS!
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it,
When it's all about You, ALL ABOUT YOU JESUS!!!"

"And I surrender
All to You, all to You!
And I surrender
All to You! All To You!"

"God, I just pray that over the next week, month, year, and the rest of my life, that You would help me to continue give EVERYTHING up to You, and learn to just rest in Your love and peace and forgiveness! I pray that You would help me grow closer to You through this as well! Father God, also be with everyone else out there who may be struggling with this same thing! I pray that maybe You could bring some of them into my life so that we could be supports for each other and encourage each other in Your spirit! Thank You, Father God, for all You are and all You have been for me, and all You WILL be for me! In Your mighty and awesome name, AMEN!"

~ <>< ~ <>< ~ <>< ~ <>< ~ <>< ~ <>< ~

Contrast of ages

2004-10-06T13:04:00.000-07:00

So, this past summer God has really been laying it on my heart that He wanted me to work with the Jr. High kids at my chruch. I said "No prob! I'd love to!" Well, a few weeks ago Jr. High youth group started. And it's been interesting, to say the least. I LOVE the Jr. High kids like CRAZY, but that's exactly what they are...CRAZY. I never realized (forgive me, all you wonderful Jr. Highers) how crazy, hyper, nuts, and wacked-out those kids can be! And then it makes me think. "Was I like that in Jr. High? Was I really that crazy??" And the answer to that may never be known. At least not by me.

But now being a Junior in Highschool, it's amazing to look back and realize that my class was acting that same way when we were 8th graders. Seeing where we were then and where we are now is a HUGE difference! Well, ok, maybe not HUGE, persay, but maybe semi-huge. OK, I admit it! We're still the same immature kids in older bodies and the younger kids actually THINK we're cool!.....Wow, that felt good to get off my shoulders. :P

But seriously, it's been interesting working with the different age groups. On Tuesday nights, I'm paired up with an awesome adult leader and she and I lead a small group of 5-10 girls. Talking to those girls and hearing their hearts is really neat, and it's exciting to learn about the kind of things they're going through, and being able to offer up advice and help them through it!

Then, on Wednesday nights, I lead a girl's accountability group. We get together an hour before youth group and we sit and talk about our weeks, prayer needs, ask for help, totally open up to each other for support, and have fun fellowshiping together! It's been really neat to be a part of that see these girls (and me!) growing closer to each other and to God all at once.

But being involved in those two age groups (7th-8th graders vrs. 9th-12th graders) has really been exciting! I've been learning a LOT about the differences between the kids and how the different ages (not to mention personalities...that's an entirely different subject!) respond to things and deal with things in their lives. One of the main differences I've seen is Jr. Highers tend to be unsure of themselves and things, and they're openly searching for answers. Sr. Highers tend to "have it together" more, and so it's harder for them to open up or accept help and advice.

Anyways, that was just kinda pointless (I think) because I couldn't think about anyting better to say. I have to get going for now, though, because I have to put together a devotion for the Girl's Acc. Group tonight! :)

God bless, and I hope that you are able, somehow in your life, to overcome yet keep special portions of your Jr. High lifestyle! :D

In Him,

<>< Christi <><

Wow.

2004-10-05T13:46:00.000-07:00

Can someone say the word "busy"? Or how about "overwhelming"? "Crazy-go-nuts"? And then there's "life-changing".

That last sentance basically describes my life over the past three weeks. By my last post (MAN, was that wierd...I must have been high on Mt. Dew or something!) I'm sure it's very easy to recognize that things are just a *tad bit* crazy right now. Which is an unthinkable understatement. But this last weekend I had the oppertunity to go to Fall Rally with my youth group, and God was able to use that time to show me why I have been so stressed lately.

First off, I have this HUGE weakness of feeling like I have to be a perfectionist. I want to please others and impact their lives, so, naturally the best way to make an impact is to not have weaknesses so you can be a strong example for them. Right? Wrong! I have realized that by not admitting my weaknesses (mostly too much stress right now) that I have become MEGATONS weaker!!! I just kept pushing aside all my heart-screams telling me that I had to do something because I was too overwhelmed. But instead I'd harden up and tell myself that all teenagers deal with it, and so I can too without any problems. HA!!!

But over the weekend, God showed me that I was so focused on school and other commitments that I couldn't even have fun during the first part of Rally! But He used the worship and the speakers (as He loves doing) and helped me see that all I had to do is GIVE IT ALL TO HIM! (and that really hit me as we were singing the song "I surrender all to YOU, all to You!!") Now, giving things up is a WHOLE different story, and that shall be saved for possibly a later post. But suffice to say that it's not really a piece of cake for me. But, as the Holy Book so states, "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me!" (Phil. 4:13)

One last note before I go, I have recently discovered that two of the men I know (one was my jr. high youth pastor, and the other leads worship at my YG now) have very inspiring Blogs, and I have been throughly enjoying reading what they have to say. It's been VERY inspiring, and it's awesome to see these guys using all they have to serve our Lord to the best of their ability. ROCK ON GUYS!!! :D I love ya both!

Constantly reminded to Surrender All,

<>< Christi <><

Home again, home again, jiggity-jig!

2004-09-25T03:15:00.000-07:00

i'm home, life's great (maybe not), i'm tired, it's WAY too late to be doing this, i'm about ready to tear all my hair out i'm going NUTS from all these changes (getting SERIOUS about school, part-time job, soon-coming insurance, gas, car, and cell phone bills i'll be taking care of, college in the near future, guys, marriage, YWAM, life, death, is there REALLY such a thing called life? or is it called insanity?, God, faith, love, trust, Bible reading (guilt, lol), MONEY....grrrr, HHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!).... maybe this is why people start loosing hair by their late 20's or 30's...

anyways, i don't want to do any more deep thinking tonight. i'm all deep-thoughted out, lol! but here, for you all, i will post this:

"I know not how I seem to others, but to myself I am but a small child wandering upon the vast shores of knowledge, every now and then finding a small bright pebble to content myself with while the vast ocean of undiscovered truth lay before me."
-Isaac Newton

don't be like me and just focus on the little pebble in front of you...lift up your head and look out to the ocean like i'm trying to forcefully teach myself to do, and survey the awesome wonders our Creator has in store for us. we may not always be able to see past the horizon, or maybe not even see the horizon itself because it's too foggy. but either way, those waves out there are still going to reach the shore. as long as you have built your foundation, strength, and faith on the strong rock of Jesus Christ instead of the sandy beaches, then He will be there to help you stand up strong against all the wind and the rain! so forget about that pebble, and reach out into the great unknown!!! God will surely bless you for it!!!

"This is my cry,
This is my song
You are my guiding light
On this journey I'm on
And when my vision is clouded
By the wind and the rain,
I'll stay close by Your side
As You lead the way!!!

Jesus lead on, I will follow!
Jesus lead on,
Let Your love light the way!
Jesus lead on, I will follow!
Jesus lead on!!!"

Being lead faithfully by Jesus,
<>< Christi <><

"Gone...

2004-08-03T02:21:00.000-07:00

...like yesterday is gone, like history is gone, just try to prove me wrong, and pretend like you're immortal!"

next verse:

"Gone, like Christi T. is gone, to Athens Greece is gone, she won't be able to get on, to update this anymo-ore!" *sings* "or at least till she gets home in a few wee-eeks!" ;)

Hehehe! Yeah, anyways...like the song said, I will be gone to Athens, Greece for a while...I leave in a few hours, and I don't get home till the 24th (and then on the 25th, my family and I head out on a week and a half long camping trip in Oregon, lol)....but I won't REALLY be home until early Sept., hehehe!!!

So I won't be updating this site until Sept., but if you want to still keep in touch with what I'm up to, I *WILL* be updating "To Athens With Love" while I'm in Greece, so hop on over and check it out! Read the news, possibly see pictures (if I can find some way to upload them), post on the Tagger, and throughly enjoy yourself and God's blessings that He has in store for you on the site!

Anyways, I gotta head out for now. God bless you all, and hope to see ya on the other site! :)

*******H*U*G*Z*******
<>< FadingFlower <><

Oh my wienershitznel!!!!!

2004-07-27T20:14:00.000-07:00

it has been FOREVER since i have updated this!!!! i can't believe i've not been talking to all -3 of you!!! (in case you didn't understand that, it was "all negative three of you"...).....

ANYWAYS, that doesn't matter, cuz now i'm talking, and that's a good thing...i think...whatever.

so i went on a camping trip with my dad this last weekend...we had fun, roasted mini-marshmallows over a campfire (talk about a HUGE challenge, lol), woke up at 5 am to go fishing, i impressed 4 cute teenage guys who were out in a boat near us fishing when i caught a fish after them being out for like an hour and not getting a thing, " wurst roasted over an open fire, mosquitoes nipping at our noses" (sorry, i couldn't resist! :P), saw Spider Man 2 in a drive-in theatre (my first time ever!!! it was SOOO awesome!!!....oh yeah, the movie was good too!!!)....but what i'm going to say has absolutly NOTHING to do with all that.

what i want to talk about is what i learned in church this last sunday. i went to a new church that was down near where we had been camping, and it was pretty cool! the sermon was on how to be a domostique...basically the worker bee of a bike team in biking races. he's the one that brings water to all the riders, gives them the extra boost of strength they need, encourages them when they start feeling hopeless, etc. it gave me a much better idea of what encouragement can do for people...and what it can do for the person *giving* the encouragement!!

i know encouragement is something i've been needing a LOT of lately cuz things have been getting hectic, and almost hopeless, sometimes. but my friends, family, and God have been right there to keep me on, and they have no idea what's it's meant to me! :)

so, this weeks challenge (or at least the challenge till the next time i update) is to try to keep your spiritual eyes and ears open and try to find AT LEAST one person to just really go all out and encourage them like the dickens!!! just totally drench them in loving confidence boosters and strong words of encouragement! before you know it, it will not only make the other person's day, but it will make YOUR day a lot more fulfilling as well!!

God bless you, and have a wonderful, encouraging week!!! :D

<><><

Hmmmm....

2004-07-20T19:42:00.000-07:00

i just thought i'd post the link to my other blog, "To Athens With Love". it's all about my mission trip, and i'll be constantly updating it while i'm in greece! it's pretty cool, so check it out!!! :)

www.rockin4him.blogspot.com

<>< Fading Flower <><

Total Coolness

2004-07-20T17:04:00.000-07:00

ok, i was just checking out some friend's sites, and one had a link to a "name acronym generator, and i decided to try it:

C	Confused
H	Humorous
R	Refined
I	Ideal
S	Serious
T	Twisted
I	Intresting

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

now, if that isn't TOTALLY me, then what is???

ok, so it's also freaky how much that they knew about me....maybe there really are things that are just "Christi" things like a group of us were theorizing on...interesting!

and then also there's this nifty generator that will create warning signs for you too!

UCAUTION

IN THE INTEREST OF SAFETY IT IS ADVISABLE TO KEEP CHRISTI AWAY FROM FIRE AND FLAMES.

From Go-Quiz.com

HOW DID THEY KNOW I'M A PYRO?!?!?!?!?!? i think the internet has gone too far this time......

anyways, this is seriously impressed and flusterated christi signing off for now,

<>< FadingFlower <><

Godsends

2004-07-19T01:57:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a time when you were tired, discouraged, limping and hurting from the uphill battle of your life that you have been constantly fighting and aren't getting any breaks from? And then, when you were in that situtation and it came to your bleakest hour where you didn't think ANYTHING could help when all of the sudden someone came along and shed some light on the situtation...they took your sword and stood in front of you and helped fight off the evils, or, at least, helped you hold the sword up a little higher and a little steadier and, in turn, helped you slay your enemy?

Well, I haven't been fighting a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad battle by any means, but I've been dealing with something called pride. Now, in my case when I say pride, I don't mean I'm struggling with it, I mean my pride in me and myself (what little I have) is being constantly bashed and teased, torn apart and shredded till it's finer than mexican shredded cheese on a Taco Bell hard shell taco!!! Whenever I go out in public, my friends think it's funny to tease, and, even worse, they say I'm fun to tease cuz I laugh when I get upset and I'm "cute", so they say......but it's not so cute to me.

So I guess where I'm going with this is here: Please, no matter what kind of teasing you do, please stop and think about it before you say it next time. And just because you don't seriously mean it (which is the case with my friends...they just think it's fun), stop and think how it would affect someone if it was meant or taken seriously...most of the time it really hurts, and it turns out it's not so funny after all!

So, you're probably wondering, "Why did you call the title 'Godsends', if you're talking about being teased?" Good question! It's because I want to thank a few certain Godsends for their encouragement and love. It's been a rough path to travel the past few weeks, but there have been a few people who I have talked to along the way who have just been very loving and very supportive, which has helped MEGATONS!!! Godsends, you most likely don't know who you are (tho only one who does know understands this phrase/joke..."It's all your fault! ;D!!!), but I want to thank you anyways!!! You have helped me more than you could ever know, and I am definiatly in your debt! God bless you!!!! 0:)

So, the morals of todays story are: Be careful who, what (and how) you tease, and take every chance you can to love and encourage your friends and family; you never know when you might be their Godsend! :)

Till next time!

In Him,
<><><

Praise God!

2004-07-09T13:22:00.000-07:00

Ok, as I said in my last post, I have been ultra-mega busy lately...until I went on a two week vacation with my family. I got the first chances to sit back, relax, have fun, not worry about anything except what fun thing I should do next, and PLAY MY GUITAR!!! :) Hallejuia!!! :D

Besides getting the chill time I needed though, I also got to hang out with my family and cousins a LOT on this trip (it was a family reunion). It was a BLAST because 4 of my cousins live in Wisconsin, my Aunt and Uncle and 5 of my cousins live in Southern California, and my sister and parents and I live about an hour away from the border of Canada in Washington. So, as you can imagine, we don't get to see each other much...

But while I was hanging out with them, God used my two cousins that are closest to my age, Jake and Meagan, to show me the answers to a LOT of big things I've been dealing with lately. They are both so mature, nice, polite, respectful, cool, and just fun-to-hang-out-with people that I really look up to the both of them a lot now.

But anyways, I've said WAY too much for now...I'll post more on this subject later so there isn't so much writing that it scares you away from reading it (if anyone IS reading this, lol)!

Anyways, God bless you all, and have a great, fun-filled day! :)

<>< FadingFlower <><

Tired and ready-to-give-up, but God's still there ?

2004-06-23T22:47:00.000-07:00

Wow...I thought I liked the busy, non-stop lifestyle, but it's really starting to eat at me. I have no time to just sit back and chill and listen to music or do email or AIM or even play my guitar!!! I'm constantly tired, and I've actually been more disagreeing with my parents lately (which, for me, is NOT a good sign, because I usually try as hard as I can to cooperate with them and obey and not argue...different story right now...)!

But the Bible says "Come to Me all who are weary, and *I* will give you rest!" (that's actually quoting Rebecca St. James' song because I can't remember right now where in the Bible it says that, lol)

Is He meaning spiritual rest? Physcial rest? Both? What? Well, I've been finding that just being in His presence is restful and relaxing...just laying on my bed and saying, "God, I love You! You are my King, my Creator, my Savior, and my Daddy! I praise You Father! Thank You for being all You are to me!" And then just resting in His love and grace as I'm overwhelmed with Him...it gives me a chance to focus on what my focus point SHOULD be (God) instead of what it becomes (work, school, chores, etc.). So then when I'm done, I walk away with a new-found strength and I'm able to face a lot more with confidence! :)

So, take some time to just sit back and relax and meditate in God's holy and refreshing presence...even if you aren't stressed out or tired, it's still an awesome experience! :D Speaking of which, I think I'll go do that right now...

God bless you all, and have a great rest-of-the-week!

<>< Fading Flower<><

Entry at 00:01 (or 12:01 am for all you none-military people)...

2004-06-18T00:02:00.000-07:00

I'm tired, and I must get off to bed. But I wanted to leave you with something still...

As I was cleaning my room the other day, I found a note that my dad wrote to me when I was 9 years old. In the P.S. of that note he said something that stuck to me, and I hope it will stick to you too!

"No matter what happens, keep your head up! The view always improves when your head is looking forward and around you, vrs. the not-so-appealing view when you're looking down!"

So, let your confidence soar, and keep your head up in all you do! If you do, you will gain a new-found strength and confidence you've not known before, and people will look up to you for it!

God bless, and enjoy the view!!! :)

<>< Fading Flower <><

Leadership is ONLY for leaders!

2004-06-16T11:13:00.000-07:00

You know how often that is said or implied? "You're just a student, you can't lead!" or "Kids are so immature that if we gave them ANY bit of power, the whole GROUP would be gone!!!" And so on and so forth. Well, I'm here to tell you (and them) that that is NOT true!!! Don't believe me? Read on...

God put us ALL in positions of leadership from your pastor, to your sunday school teacher, your boss, to your teacher, your mom and dad, your younger brother and/or sister, to YOU!!! There's no laws saying when you are and aren't not a leader...God made us to be born leaders! To whom, you ask? To everyone God has placed around you in your life!!! Those people, no matter how much younger or older then you they are, were put in your life so you could be an example and leader to them. Now that doesn't give you any excuses not to follow them, because they were put in your life to be leaders to you as well. Not making sense? I didn't think so. I got an email from a friend this morning talking about this that said it better than anyone ever has I think. Here it is:

"A lot of people in today's world are confused about the issue of
leadership. Most people think that you have to be the best, the
smartest, the best looking, older than those you lead, and the list
goes on. But I've found that a good leader is not necessarily the
best in his field, nor the smartest, nor the best looking. A good
leader is someone who ecourages others to persevere in bettering
themselves. Moreover he himself must set the example in his words and
conduct. Anyone can be a boss, but it takes boldness to do what's
right, perseverance in the face of trials, and an understaning of
other people to be a leader. A good leader must also be willing to
follow. He must be open to learn and grow not only from those who are
in authority over him, but also those over whom he has authority. The
Bible clearly defines a good leader in 1 Timothy 4:12 "Let no one
despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in
conduct, in love, in spirit, in fatih, in purity." Be the example
that Christ purposed you to be, regardless the circumstance."

Just a bit of wisdom for you to ponder, pass on, or ignore.
(Please don't do the latter!)"

Now do you get it? I thought you would! ;)

Now, I'm off to be a leader to my mom (picking up my breakfast stuff so she will see and pick up hers), my sister (clean my room so my sis might get some ideas and make mom happy), and to you (by getting off the computer when my mom tells me to!(which should happen in about 2.5 minutes, hahaha!!!)).

May God bless you in your life, and may you reach new heights as you find your leadershipness hidden in your life by our Ultimate Leader!!! :) Have a great day!!!

<>< Fading Flower <><

Answers but none

2004-06-14T14:34:00.000-07:00

Confusing, huh? That's what I thought. What do you do when someone asks you a question and you have the answer, but they don't count it as the right one? Do you just leave it and let them figure it out (or let them spend the rest of their lives trying to figure it out)? Or do you push it on them? What do you do if they keep asking you what you think and you keep telling them what you think and they don't like it??? Do you keep telling them or do you just shut up or say "You already know what I think"?

This is something I have been dealing with a LOT lately...so many friends and family that are asking my advice, and when I give it, they say it's wrong or argue. I want to help them, but they won't accept it! Are they wrong? Or am I? Whatever it is, I sure wish I could figure it out....

And then on a lighter side, I was thinking today (pretty amazing, huh??? wait, don't answer that...); I was reading a friend's blog, and they were talking about sacredness, and how we, as christians, can pass the "sacred" part of things and look at it like it's wierd and almost demonic. Well, I think that's so true, and it really inspired me to write a song. It's not done yet by any means, but here's a rough draft:

"Sacred Space"

"As I come before You and bow at Your feet
Your presence surrounds me and I become weak
Your holy fire burns and lights up the dark
And Your mystical grace consumes my heart

You lead me to this place that words cannot describe
Your voice then speaks with healing grace, in You I can confide
My heart is tired, broken, and burned, I don't know where to turn
Your Holy Spirit reaches out with healing grace
And keeps me in Your Sacred Space!"

Like I said, it's not done yet, and I'm still trying to come up with music for it, but it's coming...I just really want this to bring out the true, sacred feeling and atmosphere of what being with God is like. It's no where near coming close to that yet, and it really never will be. Like it says, words cannot describe His Sacred Space! :)

Anyways, I'd best be off for now. In the mean time, may you somehow discover God's sacred touch and space in your own life in the next week...at least!!! God bless!!! 0:)

<>< Fading Flower <><

Me

2004-06-11T10:55:00.000-07:00

Ok, I decided to go ahead and post a picture of what it looks like just because I have nothing better to do....

"http://christi.pollisplace.com/Christi1.jpg"

"http://christi.pollisplace.com/Christi2.jpg"

(I couldn't figure out how to post them directly to this page....(HELP SOMEONE!!!! :P!!!) so if you want to see them, you'll have to go to the pages themselves...

It's all messed up and big and sideways because my sis just posted it online for me and she didn't bother to make any changes....so IT'S ALL HER FAULT!!!!! >:D

Anyways...if you like it, please leave a comment and tell me it's ok...and if not, don't bother posting....lol!!!

<>< Fading Flower <><

Sleep? Who needs sleep???

2004-06-11T10:23:00.000-07:00

In the last 51 hours and 30 minutes, I have gotten exactly almost to the minute, 7 hours of sleep. That means I have been running on adrenaline for the last 44 and a half hours!!! And then when I was going to *finally* sleep in this morning, my sis wanted me to do some stuff with her and she woke me up EARLY!!!!

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then to top that off, I came downstairs to chill with her for a while, and then like 3 minutes later a friend of hers came and Cathi (my sis) ran off with Angela (her friend)....so now I can't go back to sleep, I'm dead tired, and I have nothing to do....my life is coming to an end. :P

Oh. and to top that off, I got a haircut yesterday....at the Academy where they train the students how to cut people's hair so it's students cutting your hair....I went there cuz it was the cheapest place in town....I told them I wanted a Bob....they gave me a Bob......MAJOR!!!!! It's like I don't have any hair now!!!! Well, ok so I do and it's not really *THAT* bad, it's more like *that* bad (notice the caps difference between the two). But I seriously am going to have people making fun of it till it grows out now...and that's the last thing I need is to give my friends one more thing to tease me about....but that's a whole other subject, and I'll save that for another time.....

Once in a while race or eternal running?

2004-06-10T21:27:00.000-07:00

Ok, sorry I didn't say much in my first post...it was breakfast time and if I stopped for any longer than I did, I would have been in *huge* trouble! I had SOOOOO many things that needed to get done, I just couldn't (and my mom wouldn't let me anyways) stop.

Ever feel like you're just a guinea pig? You're stuck in the cage of life (which can be good at times and not so appealing at others) and all you can do is eat, sleep, and run around in circles in your little wheely-deal (also, we have parents and teachers telling us to do school and homework and also get jobs...a few of the things that sets us apart from guinea pigs). So in my life, I don't want to just sit back and eat or sleep, so I jump full-throttle into the wheel expecting some good times. What I don't expect, though, is that once you get the wheel rolling, it seems to never stop. First it's one thing, then the next, and then the thing after that!!! It just NEVER stops!!!

Speaking of it never stopping, just when I thought my wheel was going to slow down, my sister wants to do some stuff with me and my mom wants me to get off her computer and do something useful. So I guess I'm going to go jump back in for another ride.....I wonder when it will stop...........?

My first Blog....

2004-06-08T10:07:00.000-07:00

Can't post now...mom will get mad...

Pointless Ponders...Or Not?

The Tides of Life

Changes

~Blogger-Girl First & Forever~

Broken Dreams and Shattered Realities

What *Would* Jesus Do?

"My country tis of thee,.."

Life Lessons 101

The sky was growing dark...

Updates Galore!

<3 ..Love.. <3

"I Will Wait here at the Cross..." cont.

"And I will wait here at the Cross..."

For those of you who know me...

Blogging

A Story

Aspire to Inspire

Can anyone say.... I dunno...

Crazy Times

"The time has come,"...

"Sunny with a high of 75...

Crowdbreaker

Part 3

Part 2

untitled

Back to the Serious...Kind of...

Hey HEy HEY!!!

Busy, busy, busy...

As the Mist settles...

Good Enough For You

Who Am I?

The Sting of Death and New Life

30 years ago...

The Greatest Blessing

We are the Youth of the Nation

WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!!

No way.!.!.!.

Music

A revelation/realization between God and I

Contrast of ages

Wow.

Home again, home again, jiggity-jig!

"Gone...

Oh my wienershitznel!!!!!

Hmmmm....

Total Coolness

Godsends

Praise God!

Tired and ready-to-give-up, but God's still there ?

Entry at 00:01 (or 12:01 am for all you none-military people)...

Leadership is ONLY for leaders!

Answers but none

Me

Sleep? Who needs sleep???

Once in a while race or eternal running?

My first Blog....

What Would Jesus Do?